is a state of being. Trying to grasp infinity, non physicality while trying to stay in touch with the earth. Some media help you to get closer to heaven, other carriers bring you in touch with the earth. The divine burial songs of William Croft helped me to get through the church ceremony for the burial of my father a few weeks ago, they helped me carry my grief and bring it out of my body towards the sky. The clay, the charcoal, the pencils, the paper, the paint assist me in my attempts at making my grief physical. Merely attempts so far.
Up until a few weeks ago I was well on my way to make a new body of work that I had and, as yet, baptised ` the desired state` It had to become a world of everything that I had fun in making; from flowers to clouds to unicorns to birds..some sort of paradise, I guess. Until...my father suddenly became ill and passed away in the blink of an eye. And so, overnight, my paradise world became irrelevant, redundant. The only thing that I found myself doing the last weeks is to try to make the unphysical physical, to turn back the time, to try to make him come to life again with my hands as if it were some sort of pygmalion....and I fail. I fail no matter how many portraits I try to make. They are not him. It is even so that the more portraits I try to make the bigger the distance between us becomes because I get frustrated with an image that is not coming to life by itself and that I do not succeed in making properly. Why on earth do I want that `right` image so badly, what do I need to prove? As if the image is the new him which is of course absolutely ridiculous and a course of mind that is to avoid. Unless( I now suddenly see while writing it down)....I stop fighting it and find a way of seeing that in the frustration itself lies the image or ` the story` and let this be part of the `desired state` ? I have no idea how but i guess the only way to find out is to try. Now...when writing this, I feel some sort of spark that lifts me up and carries me.X
Below an idea of what kept me busy in the last months