A while ago, when I got not much going on in my art practice, out of nothing appeared this deus ex machina who commissioned me a couple of sculptures. When I asked him what the sculptures are for, he said he would tell me his plan later. First red flag, I know….
While writing this, I have to think of Job. You know, the wealthy and very lucky man who got tested by God who had struck a deal with Satan. God asked Satan (what a coward this god) to take everything from Job. Job has long conversations with three inner figures who conclude that he must have gravely sinned for otherwise God would not have taken everything from him. Long story short is that Job does not lose his faith in the good God and gets rewarded amply by the latter.
when deus asked me for a big commission, I was Job, wealthy and sure of myself.
Little did I know that deus had already struck a deal with satan and was scanning, altering and reproducing a previous work of mine without my knowing and definitely without my consent. And was planning to do the same with the other sculptures (with what he thought would be my consent).
As soon as (no, actually only a couple of days later when I was sleep deprived because I felt so fucking fucked over) I found out I cursed him and wrote him that he is violating my authors rights and that I cannot continue the deal we had. I hate the world where mighty men rule. I want deus to be a dea. I felt violated in my author’s rights, deeply hurt for my creation that was now being reproduced and altered.
I guess I am not Job, I lost my faith in God.
And then…(plot twist)
a couple of days later my very own three inner figures started to converse with me: ‘‘hm, you think you are so immaculate ,hah, so pure, hah…. think harder! One year ago you bought a pur foam cast of a sculpture that you love by an artist you admire, Long dead now but are you so sure it was not illegal to buy it in pieces and then reassemble it in your atelier. sure that was ok. Was it? ‘‘
Oops I thought, true that is. I did do that (pur foam and in many pieces , to my defense, but hey, in hindsight very very not okay). And for exactly the ridiculously low amount of money that I got offered by satan. oops, that Is it. ‘‘What goes around comes back around”” Thanks Timberlake, thanks Job, thanks deus (not really I do still hate you), I think I had to learn a lesson here. The foam cast was of a sculpture that made me a sculptor. When I say this work age 17, I thought, this is what I want, I want to make this. So when I saw this pur foam cast (in pieces!) I went totally greedy (and transgressive.) I by the way never assembled the pieces and will now destroy it because it should never be used by anyone.
Lessons are always painful and expensive. But it made me feel what it feels like if your work gets violated. Let me tell you it feels terrible. I swore to never ever do that to any artist dead or alive!
So you see here that every god has a satan in disguise and every satan has a god in disguise.