Is a spontaneous drawing I made somewhere in the early 2010’s that I came across while going through layers of sketches and mood board sediments in my studio.
It made me laugh and it made me curious about that person who made the sketch. I must have been in my early forties and my kids in their full puberty. I know this because the next drawing in the sketchbook was one of a grumpy teenage daughter sitting on a chair, probably bored out of her mind like only teens can be.
I think the drawing was made around the same time when I made all the papier maché masks that, instead of hiding as is usually the function of a mask, reveal a lot about how I subconsciously felt at that time about being a mom, a homemaker, a wife, a daughter, an artist etc.. The title of the work is roles, expectations, aspirations. Subconsciously I experienced all this but I would never have consciously allowed myself to admit these aggressive, hopeless, angry, sexual feelings to bubble up. Aggression and anger are still emotions that are not welcomed in women and definitely not in mothers. Little girls are supposed to be ‘nice’ and ‘taking care of the little brother or sister,pet or whatever’ and fighting or sexuality is altogether a taboo. We are mostly conditioned to be likeable and loveable and caring.
And I am sure I was a caring and loving mother most of the times, but what about all the other, ‘less presentable to the world’ emotions living in me? what to do with them?
At the same time, in another sketchbook, I found drawings of one of my kids that shocked the good, innocent mom in me by their aggressive dark imagery. They must have been made around same time that we were all living in my coffee grinder house.I had to think of what Jung said that, if the parent is not aware of his or her shadow, it might be lived out by the next generation and then you as a parent might think: ‘’oh and I tried so hard to do my best to live an exemplary life and look what came of my children, they are so and so and I have no idea where that comes from?’’ And then I think of Annie M.G. Schmidt’s hilarious poem ‘het zoetste kind’, about Pieter Hendrik Hagelslag, the perfect boy who marries the perfect girl. And then they get six children that are totally the opposite. So funny and so wise, worthwhile to check it out.
So to get to my point: I am happy I made the masks, they sold well and I could totally ‘’get rid of my egg’ while making them. They were hilarious, yet serious and sometimes disturbing , which can be a good combo. And in a way they were a sort of self therapy because once the energy is out, it is out. But!! What if I had talked to a professional therapist who has a good sense of how to work with the creative mind mom person, I might have kept my artistic inspiration and zeal, but at the same time it could have saved me much neurotic guilt about being ‘a good enough mother or not’. I would have talked about it to my kids and openly could have discussed my role as human instead of godly mother. If I had done this consciously my kids might have been more relaxed with their own darkness and so called less 'positive' or 'performing' qualities. who knows..?
So knowing what I know now, when my kid would make a drawing like that and I would see it I would totally psychologise him or her (haha). No, not, but i would definitely start a conversation about anger, aggression, unallowed feelings etc..
Because, what is actually an ‘’unallowed’’ feeling?? No, they don’t exist, all feelings are human and allowed. It is the living or living out of the emotions that must be questioned and talked about.
Again, why do I write all this? Because 1. to vent. Because 2. I so believe in the power of image, symbol, as a bridge to the unconscious and a foreteller of what direction your life is taking. And if you are aware of it, you can make a choice! You have every moment of the day the choice to take a different direction if you are not happy with how your life is going or if you feel neurotic about something in your life.
Because 3. I think that our culture is, under the guise of ''being correct'' also doing a lot of damage to ourselves, to a part of ourself that is not so presentable and that, when, not given attention to, we see in the outside world as dangerous and aggressive instead of dealing with it in ourselves.
In my practice I give clients the chance to let the images, be it on paper or in clay or in dance language, speak for them, let them know what is living inside of them that wants to be known. And I have witnessed, as well as I have experienced it myself, that it is so freeing to do this. Long live the image, even if it is a house that is a coffee grinder!! Don’t be afraid of the image, once it is out and you see it comes from a part of yourself that wants to be known, you are safe!!
charcoal drawing 2012